Marshall on Trial: Transcript Excerpts
Two days ago I was put on trial for the death of a squirrel named Skippy. This is my story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (and make fun of the jerks!).
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: The prosecution would like to call Eric "Daddy" O-- to the witness stand.
["Daddy" is sworn in and takes the stand]
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: Mr O-- please tell us about the events that occurred in your backyard at about 9am on May 17th, 2006.
Eric "Daddy" O--: Well, I went outside to check on the dogs and found Marshall with a dead squirrel.
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: Can you confirm that the dead squirrel you discovered is the squirrel in this picture, a squirrel named Skippy?
[Eric "Daddy" O-- confirms that the dead squirrel is the victim Skippy]
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: What was he doing with Skippy.
Eric "Daddy" O--: He was eating it.
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: Can you be more specific?
Eric "Daddy" O--: He was eating Skippy's face.
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: The prosecution has no further questions.
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: Mr O--, was the squirrel still alive when you found it with Marshall?
Eric "Daddy" O--: No. It was very much dead.
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: So the squirrel could have died from natural causes or at the paw of some other creature?
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: I object, your honor. The defense is asking the witness to speculate on the cause of death.
Judge Filmore Buttersquat: Sustained. *snort*
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: Mr O--, did you SEE Marshall kill the squirrel?
Eric "Daddy" O--: No.
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: No further questions.
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District Attorney Rafe Ratface: The prosecution would like to call Leroy to the witness stand.
[Leroy is sworn in and takes the stand]
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: Leroy please tell us about the events that occurred in your backyard at about 9am on May 17th, 2006.
Leroy: Marshall killed Skippy and ate his face. Then Daddy yelled and threw Skippy away.
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: No further questions, your honor.
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: (sweetly) Leroy. May I call you Leroy?
Leroy: OK.
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: You are Marshall's brother right?
Leroy: Yes.
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: And you love your brother more than anything, right?
Leroy: Well... I guess..
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: Is that a yes?
Leroy: Yes.
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: [hands a scrap of paper to the bailiff] Your honor, the defense would like to submit Exhibit A, a note written by Leroy saying that he loves his Mommy more than anything!
[gasps in the courtroom]
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: Leroy, did you write this note?
Leroy: [quietly] Yes.
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: So you just lied to the court when you said you loved Marshall more than anything?
Leroy: [quietly] Yes...I'm sorry [begins to cry]
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: Are you also lying about seeing Marshall kill the squirrel?
Leroy: [crying] *sniff* No...I...uh *sniff*...I don't know...
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: [sympathetically] Leroy, did the prosecution threaten to take you away from your Mommy if you didn't testify against your brother Marshall?
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: Your honor! This is outrageous! I object to the defense implying that I..that we..would threaten...would..
Judge Filmore Buttersquat: Over-ruled. Answer the question young man.
Leroy: [sobbing] They said the police would take me away and I would never see Mommy again if I didn't tebstify and say Marshall killed the squirrel! I didn't even know he was called Skippy!
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: So tell me what you really saw Leroy?
Leroy: I was diggin' a hole, so I din't see nothin.
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: [smugly] No further questions!
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District Attorney Rafe Ratface: The prosecution would like to call Ricardo the squirrel to the witness stand.
[Ricardo is sworn in and takes the stand]
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: Ricardo please tell us about the events that occurred in the backyard at the address of XXXX H------ St., at about 9am on May 17th, 2006.
Ricardo: chirrrrrlp cheeerlp chirrrrrlp krllpch tststschrp!
District Attorney Rafe Ratface: Ah-ha! No further questions your honor!
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: . . .
Ricardo: chirrrrrlp?
Defense Attorney Beulah Bowser: . . . The defense has no questions for this witness.
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The prosecution rested and the defense called a serious of character witnesses to the stand. Here are some of their comments.
Jennifer "Momma" H---: He was always a good boy. A picky eater, but a good boy. I don't see how a boy who couldn't stomach peanut butter would eat the face off a squirrel. It just doesn't make any sense. He's a good boy. Always been a good boy.
Frankie "Blue Eyes"(next door neighbor and Siberian Huskie): Marshall is my comrade. Maybe not by nationality, but through our shared honor and conviction. He is a soldier for the common dog and would never undermine our cause by resorting to barbaric behavior. Even if it was one of those feudalistic squirrels.
Ellie M-- (neighbor and Rat Terrier): Marshall doesn't sniff my privates as much as Leroy. He's a gentleman.
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In the end I was acquitted.
My side of the story? Well, lets just say that's between me and Skippy. :D
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